Reading: The Teeny Titty Tick Tale

Cut to the scene in the Emergency Room. The lights are bright, the hands on the clock are ticking loudly, and the teen on the exam table looks terrified, with her eyes as large as silver dollars.

The doctor comes into the room and the teen pulls the sheet up to her chin, trying to hide. An invading species has taken hold and the culprit must be removed, per the teen’s mother! As the doctor pulls down the sheet he sees a tick embedded in the teen’s left breast nipple! 

So how did we get to this day, you ask?

Little Miss (me) organized a gathering of friends to meet up for a full day of riding horses at the start of summer break. Days before, each friend agreed to bring items in our backpacks to make the day more fun and adventurous. Jill would bring cans of beans and franks, a pan, and can opener. Tammy agreed to bring cans of soda, paper plates, and utensils. Melissa signed up to bring chips and candy, and I was given the task of swiping a pack of cigarettes and matches from my mom. All of us were to do this in secret so our moms wouldn’t have a clue what we were up to while they sat in their cars socializing near the entrance of the farm.

Saturday morning arrived and we were all excited about our secret Chuck Wagon escape from our parents on a farm in rural Kentucky. The day was warm, humid, and sunny. Tammy and Jill trailered their horses from their respective barns, and my horse lived on the farm where we were meeting with her sidekick Buckwheat (a small pony). Melissa and I had to venture out to the field in neck-high grass where Mabel and Buckwheat were grazing to bring them in for tack.   

We climbed on our horses and were off. We rode out to the farthest trail with our pilfered goods to set up our campfire. The food was delicious and we washed down the beans with soda pop and candy. Afterward, we decided to try the cigarettes. Each of us tried to look so sophisticated, but we ended up coughing up a lung and laughing hysterically after. Our day was a success and we traveled back to the barn with pride that our adventure had been a well-kept secret.

The next morning after breakfast, I changed out of my sleep shirt and found a tick on my upper arm. I quickly grabbed some tweezers to pull the head out and set it on fire in the ashtray with my mom’s lighter. I double checked that I didn’t have any more ticks and then I found the unbelievable! A tick had embedded itself in my left breast nipple! 

Oh my God, how am I going to get that out? 

I tried the tweezers, but it only caused the tick to burrow in deeper. I asked my mom for help (big mistake!). She tried rubbing alcohol, to no avail. The last resort, per my mom, was to take me to the emergency room (WHAT?!?!). I was no fan of this option, because it meant a stranger would see my teenage breast. If my friends ever heard about this I would be toast — I’d never live this down! 

But off we went. 

Waiting in the ER felt like an eternity. When my mom returned from the nurse’s desk, she announced Dr. George was on call and that I would see him.

This could not be happening. I knew Dr. George’s son Luis. What if it got back to him that his dad saw my boobs? I put my head in my hands and tried to figure out a way to get out of this. Damn tick!

My mom sensed my fear and grinned. She said in her ever-so-sweet southern accent, “Dr. George will help us, and plus he is Luis’s Dad!”

So how well did I know Luis? 

The first time I saw him, I was a freshman in high school, and in my first week of school I noticed a dark-haired fella standing in the cafeteria line. He had dark, dreamy eyes, and the biggest dazzling smile ever. I felt like I had been struck by Cupid! His name was Luis Garrastazu, a senior. Of course, my girlfriends noticed my gaga demeanor and started rooting me on to invite Luis to the Sadie Hawkins Dance. This is the dance where the girl gets to ask the boy. After a couple of months of admiring him from a distance, I finally got up my nerve to get Jill to ask Luis to the dance for me and it worked. He said yes!

Luis must have decided it would be a good thing to get to know me better before our dance date, so he invited me to the movies one Saturday night. It sure took some convincing my Momma that my first “car date” would be a good idea. Mom eventually agreed, but set some conditions. Luis must come to the door, meet my grandmother and her, and explain what the date would entail. Ugh! Luis was a trooper. Standing tall and confident in the presence of my mom and Granny, he said we would see a movie, get ice cream at Dairy Queen, and drive a few times around the Court Square to holler at friends (that’s what rednecks do in a small town to socialize), and he would have me home by 10 PM.

Back to the ER. I was laying on the exam table with a sheet covering my breasts (mind you, I was holding a death grip on that sheet). Dr. George (people couldn’t pronounce Garrastazu so he was called Dr. George) came in and greeted me and my mom. As he approached the table, I closed my eyes so tight that I could almost see stars. Just as he started to examine my breast, my mom decided to tell him how much she enjoyed meeting Luis. 

“You’ve met my son?” He said in his low-toned Cuban accent.

“Why, yes,” she said, “when he came to pick up Karen for her first car date!” (Oh no, this is not happening. Get me outta here!!!). “Why Dr. George, he was such a gentleman, coming to the front door and stepping inside to meet Karen’s Granny and me.” (Oh please stop. I can’t take this — I want to disappear under this sheet). 

She even told him about the Sadie Hawkins dance and how cute we looked in denim overalls, and how I returned home with straw in my hair! (For the love of God, Stop!)

Before my mom could fill him in on any more unnecessary details, Dr. George commented, “We are all done. The tick has been removed.” (Thank GOD!) 

I quickly pulled the sheet back up, retrieved the training bra and t-shirt my mom was holding, and changed in the blink of an eye. Honestly, I think my face was blood red in total embarrassment for a full TWO days after this event!

Reflecting back on that day, my mom was fully in charge, disregarded my pleas not to go to the ER, and thoroughly enjoyed telling Dr. George all about my dates with his son! I had no choice but to get that damn tick removed from the most unlikely and embarrassing place known to man!

This story was originally presented as part of The Monarch, a Covey hit storytelling event. If you have a story to tell, check out our events page to find the next installment.